My dear Myles,
My world and the world of countless others was forever changed on the evening of July 26th when you left. I am still in disbelief, numb, waiting for the walls around me to crumble when it finally and fully hits me. It’s hard to believe that those final messages I sent you, the ones telling you that you were going to be fine and that I was looking forward to a great big hug from you when you got home, will never be read. I’ve been writing and rewriting, scribbling notes, crossing things out, trying to convey how absolutely special you were but I don’t think any amount of words will ever be enough. No description or blog post I can create will ever do you justice, but I’m going to try.
If there was any rhyme or reason to our universe, you would still be with us. The world was made brighter by you and now the laughter, the kindness I once cherished has been taken, it is much darker. I’m still waiting, hoping, praying to hear that this whole thing has been one twisted joke. I feel like God is laughing at us, having taken your kindness and love for himself. Surely he could see how loved you were? Surely he knew the pain, the damage he was going to do when he decided that he needed you more than us?
Since the age of 14, you have always been by my side. I gave you the nickname Smyles, because that’s exactly what you were; full of joy and always cheerful. You lifted me up and listened to me when I needed you, always without judgement. Over the years, you came to know every side of me; good and bad, light and dark. And you never flinched at my darkness; you embraced it. You fought it alongside me. You helped to chase it away. You held me during my worst moments, reminded me of how loved I was and what I was worth. You told me that any medication, any therapy, any diagnosis did not take away from who I was and that you, and our friends, would love me all the same. I wish so badly that I had told you just how much that meant to me and what a beautiful soul you were.
I don’t know when I became so angry but this anger will not fade; I can’t douse this fire in me. It’s flames are licking at my eyes and my mouth and it turns into sobs when it catches me off guard. It makes me snap at people who are only trying to be kind. This grief makes your name resound in my head and when I close my eyes, I see your smiling face.
Two days ago,we all went to see your friends from work at the pub you used to go to frequently. I was expecting to see you stood outside the entrance, waiting for us with a big grin on your face, ready to scoop us all into an embrace one by one. But then reality poured over me like ice water and I thought oh, of course. We all went to the cricket club to remember you and comfort one another and I wondered when you would be showing up. I just want to hear your voice. Hear my phone buzz with a text from you – I’ll even settle for one of your silly dick jokes that I somehow always managed to fall for! Visit me in a dream, haunt me. Just let me see you one last time so I can tell you all this in person. Not getting to say goodbye was so cruel. It reminded me how fragile life is, how mortal we all truly are.
All of us will make more of an effort to speak and see each other now. We have all been taught in the most brutal way that we don’t have as much time as we think we do to see the ones we love. If anything good has come from this awfulness, it’s the way that it has brought so many people together and shown me the best in those left behind. Everyone has rallied together – we’ve been reunited with friends we haven’t seen or spoken to in months. The support and love I have seen and experienced in everyone around me in the last few days has been incredible; you are still bringing out the best in us all. You were taken far too early but the impact you have had in your near-26 years is a beautiful thing. You touched the hearts of so many and we will treasure you and keep you with us until we meet with you again. Until that day, we will continue to hold each other together and live in a way that would make you proud to be our friend.
You did so much for me. I have tried to explain it here but it will never be enough. I hope I made your world half as bright as you made mine and I hope I gave you just as much as you gave to me in our friendship. You were truly one of a kind and there will never be another like you.
I hope that wherever you are, you’re enjoying your nan’s cooking once again and having a beer or two, watching our outpouring of love and smiling down on us. Sleep well, my beautiful friend. I loved you then and I will love you always ♥
It’s been a long day without you my friend. And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. We’ve come a long way from where we began and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.
P.S. If anyone who knew Myles would like to share something – a story, a memory or just a little message – please feel free to do so ♥
Disclaimer: Title is lyrics taken from the song ‘Last Dance’ by Clare Maguire. Other lyrics are taken from ‘See You Again’ by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth. Featured image is called Big Sky, Big Wishes, Little Girl by Stephanie Owyang.